Saying Goodbye to the belly

Dear Baby,

I just realized that today is the very last day I will ever be pregnant again. That is a bittersweet thought. It's been quite difficult this time around, and keeping you in for so long has had it's challenges. But when I think that I will never mold my hand to the shape of my round belly again it makes me a little....sad.

But the sadness is overridden by the fact that this is also the very last day that I will ever wonder what your sweet angel face looks like, or if you'll have your daddy's eyelashes. You see Olivia, it is the very last day that I will ever NOT know what life is like without you in it.

My sweet sweet baby love, how I have loved carrying you inside me. I have cherished every movement, kick, and hiccup. I have grown so in love with you already and I've never even met you. And even though I will miss the feel of you kicking my ribcage at an appropriate time in a movie or song, as if we share our own private little joke, I know that I will love far more to smell your sweet breath and kiss your precious cheeks.

So goodbye round belly. Goodbye waddle. Goodbye cute bump beneath my shirt. I want my baby girl instead!

Love forever and ever,

Mama

The big wait

Dear Baby,

There are just 4 days until you arrive on the planet. I have to say, these might just be the longest 4 days of my life. I am just crawling out of my skin in anticipation. I'm too big to do anything fun to pass the time. I get winded just walking to get the mail. There is no position that is comfortable to sleep in. And you have decided to make my tailbone your permanent residence, which I have to say makes you a big pain in the butt :)

Ofcourse, occasionally you decide to leave my tailbone and to plant yourself in my ribcage- equally as fun. Sometimes you take your little toes and wrinkle them against the side of my ribs. It feels like a kind of hurt/tickle that I can't explain. And I'm almost positive that when you come out, we will see you wrinkle your toes in that same little way and a part of me will have that phantom pain in my ribcage.

I have now officially become 39 weeks pregnant, and you hold the record my dear for the longest amount of time I have ever been pregnant. Elijah was born when I was exactly 39 weeks, you have exceeded him. And to think, we were so afraid you would come dangerously early. You continue to amaze me as your growth has also exceeded all expectations. My stomach is the biggest it's EVER been. Just yesterday I had to adjust the seat in the car so I could drive. I had driven the DAY BEFORE. It's amazing that you grew that much in a day.

I am trying to take in the last few days that I will ever be pregnant. I hold my belly every chance I get, though now it stretches the length of my arms.I am trying to remember every kick, every movement. I am cuddling you on the outside until I can cuddle you on the inside.

Just some thoughts about you my love, and our last few days together just you and me. I will always remember this pregnancy. It's been one of the most challenging roller coaster rides ever but it's also been amazing having this time to bond with you. I know how excited I am for you to come out of me, but I also know that all-too-soon you will be sitting in my lap, and I will miss the time you were growing in my womb.

Love, Mama

A blubbery mess

Dear Baby,

It's 10pm, and I have cried from sun up to sun down today. Everytime I cry it's for a different reason, but I'm pretty sure the biggest reason is because I'm pregnant with a baby girl. I can recall being pretty irrational with the boys and their pregnancies, but this seems off the chart. I think you must be a VERY VERY girlie little girl because there is all kinds of estrogen in my body.

I don't know what it is, but it seems like everything sets me off. It can be a real life thing I've been thinking about, or seeing something on television that does it. Your brothers are pretty concerned. Elijah in particular keeps asking me "Why you so sad mama?" I wish I could tell him why, but I really just don't know.

I have never been one to cry in front of people. In fact, it's pretty rare that I will cry in front of anyone. But baby, I have been learning something from you. I have been learning to be more vulnerable and instead of covering it up or trying to hide it, I have decided to embrace it. You know why? Because it's OKAY to cry when you're sad, or even if you just feel like it. It's pretty normal actually. Thank you for teaching me that baby.

Now I'm gonna take my puffy eyes and get in bed :)

Love,
Mama

Hitting the mark

Dear Baby,

It's been quite a week. We had a bit of an early labor scare with you on Sunday and had to stay in the hospital for a little while to get the clear. My belly is already so big, and here I sit at only 32 weeks pregnant. I can't bend over, or hardly walk. I can't breathe, or really do much of anything. I have officially hit the miserable stage of life. Though everyday my back hurts I wish I could just be rid of the pain and exhaustion, I fight for everyday to keep you in and growing and healthy.

My doctor scheduled a C-section for me on October 21st, but we both agreed that we doubted we would ever see that day. She thinks, as I do, that we will be lucky if I make it to 36 weeks. Now baby, at 36 weeks it till be September 29th. That is your Aunt Kate's birthday. Try not to come on that day so you don't have to share a birthday cake with her- trust me it's no fun.

But what is scary is that 36 weeks is actually close enough to be on my calendar. It is a dizzying reality that you could actually be in my arms, cooing, crying, snuggling with me in just a few short weeks. Maybe even less, who even knows. But I am aiming for that 36 week mark so that your lungs can fully develop and you can get some meat on your bones. It's on my calendar baby, I am GOING to make it !

Lovingly your Mama

And....mood swing

Dear Baby,

It's almost midnight and I can't sleep. I have been a hormonal mess all weekend, and I can't sleep because I am so sad, and angry, and deliriously happy all at the same time. I don't think I have ever felt this way in my life. It is the most confusing thing, and to even write to you about it now, I hardly can find the words to say about it. I am constantly crying, and overwhelmed and tired. But at the same time I'm energized, and ready to take on 48 projects, and making all kinds of plans. It is the most strange, bizarre, and upside down kind of way of living. I feel like an insane person. And yet, I am told, it's pretty normal.

It doesn't feel normal baby. Though I feel certifiably nuts right now, it is of some comfort to me that it's probably because there are high amounts of estrogen, extra estrogen, flowing through me. And that makes me smile. Because it means that pretty soon a little girl will be in my arms. A little girl I have waited for so long to have. Oh the thought of pink sends me right back to my happy place.

Baby, I love you but you make me crazy :)

A letter to doctors who don't know anything....

Dear Mr. Braxton and Mr. Hicks,

I would like to address this letter especially to you today, as you seem to be popping up in my life regularily. I am not sure exactly what made you think that as men, men who have not given birth nor have ever experienced the pain of labor, you could categorize early contractions.

The term "slight discomfort" or "a tightening of your uterus" is grossly understated and I feel it is my duty to set you two straight. When your body hurts so bad you have to bite on something to keep from screaming and waking your children, that is more than slight discomfort. When you cannot move, breathe, or even think of anything but horrific pain, that's a little more than a tightening of your uterus.

Ofcourse, silly me, maybe I'm just overexaggerating things. Afterall, I've only had 3 babies! Grrr.... Braxton. Grrr.... Hicks, I hope that there is a swarm of angry, and very pregnant mothers who have come to beat you to death.

Sincerely,

Erin Kaye Warkentin

28 weeks... and growing

Dear Baby,

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with you. I have now officially entered my third trimester, and the most uncomfortable period of pregnancy. I have aches and pains all day from your growing body. My back is almost in a permanent state of ouch. My stomach is being stretched like bubble gum, and feels like I've done about 300 sit ups. I am sore, I am tired, and I am really really hot, since it's about 100 plus degrees here most days.

Your brothers and I have been living in the air conditioned house that your daddy has so graciously given me. Most days I lay pantless underneath the air vent. Your poor brothers are going stir crazy and I feel terrible about that. But I keep telling myself that keeping you healthy and inside my body is just more important right now. We manage.

Most days I don't notice how enormous I have become, until I go to church. This last week I got 3 seperate comments about how big I was, and that I must be due anyday. Your nana keeps telling me I must be having twins. It really does wonders to one's self-esteem. But secretly, it just makes me nervous that you're going to come sooner than planned.

So I'm springing to action, coming up with back-up plans, sorting through your clothes, finishing up things on your nursery, and giving your daddy extra projects. I want to be sure that we're ready for you, even if you surprise us and come early.

Until then, I am here, with my ever-growing belly just trying to enjoy the very last time I will ever be pregnant, the very last time my body will ever look like this again. Which kind of makes it a little bittersweet. And then my back spasms and I remember that it's not quite so wonderful, but certainly worth it.

I love you sweet baby.... even when you break me.

Love, Mama

Being HUGE

Dear Baby, you're BIG!

Okay, so you're really not that big, but you FEEL enormous. I actually put a bathingsuit on the other day (don't worry baby, I'll spare you the pictures) and your grandma said "wow, you're HUGE!" I think she had good intentions while saying that, but it didn't feel good hearing it.

I am 6 months pregnant today. That means, I still have 3 more months. At this point, I cannot imagine how giant I am going to look by the end, but I am guessing that I will look like I swallowed the world's largest pumpkin. On top of that, I FEEL big. I can now see you poking out of me when you kick, my belly button is dangerously close to being non-existent and I am sore all the time. I remember what being big looked like, but I forgot entirely how it felt. And now that it is 102 degrees outside and showing no signs of getting cooler for at least 2 more months, I am getting crabby too!

I remember when I told people what my due date was, they would often make the comment "Oh... that means you have to go through summer months really big." I didn't think much of it at the time because I was big and pregnant with Elijah all the way until August. But I wasn't thinking about the fact that all of August and September it was going to be scorching hot too. It's getting kinda hard to breathe.

Yet, even though 3 months seems like FOREVER to be big and pregnant, I am also thinking how quickly 3 months is going to fly by and how much work I have to do on your nursery. I have a few more girl clothes this month, we're getting there. This whole girl thing is new to me, and it's taking some time.

Please don't squish me baby.
Love, Mama

The Black Plague

Dear Baby,

I love you.

Do you know how I know ? Because you have made me throw up 11 times today (yes I counted) and I still love you. You will not let me keep any kind of food down. There is nothing all day or all night that you will accept and be at peace with eating, but still I love you.

One day when you're a teenager you might just be mad at me and question my love for you. When you do, I would like to direct you to this blog so you can see beyond a doubt that though you plague my body and though I am absolutely miserable it's because.... I love you.

Love, Mama

Cravings

Dear Baby,

I want blueberry muffins. Really badly. Also, I could go for a nice cherry cheesecake. Last week it was steak and potatoes (which your daddy thoughtfully gave me).
Cravings are so weird.
I have never in my life absolutely needed, and HAD to have something so badly as I do when I am pregnant. The thought pops into my head and it just won't stop until it is quenched.

With your big brother Elijah, it was bacon. Ham, bacon, anything in the pork family. And I ABSOLUTELY HATE pork normally. With your big brother Noah it was mostly chocolate, though there was a strange night when pickles and pancakes tasted ever so good together.

You, you're different. With you, it's rich red meats and decadent desserts. You are such a tiny little thing inside my body how in the world can you be taking over so much?

I don't know, but cheesecake is sounding really good right now, I think I'll ask your grandma to make me one when she comes up next week. Grr... next week. I have to wait that long?

Growing Pains

If this blog had sound, it would be to the tune of the Growing Pains theme song "Show me that smile again...." But baby, this is way way before your time and it is dating me so I will continue.

Dear Baby,

I am nearly 7 weeks pregnant with you today, and it is amazing to me that only a year ago I was pregnant with your brother. And even within that year, I forgot what this feels like.

I forgot the extreme pain my body goes through, stretching, growing, and moving to make room for you. I forgot how unbelievably exhausting this stage is. I sleep like the dead. I forgot how dizziness can hit you so hard you nearly fall over. I just plain forgot.

And do you know why I forgot baby? Because all that pain is worth it. You're worth it baby.

I love you.
Mama